Download the mp3

Download the mp3

A single mother in Florida by the name of Deven Traboscia is selling her house and herself on eBay for the low, low price of $840,000.

Did I say low price? I meant outrageous price!

In her own words, prospective buyers are paying $340,000 for her two-thousand square foot home, and $500,000 for her unknown square foot vagina — which she’s already used to pop out two kids. Doesn’t sound like a great deal to me.

I’m no state-licensed vagina appraiser, but at 42 years old, and after having served two active tours of duty as a human cloner, that pussy is going for about a million dollars a square foot. The warranty on that thing has expired. The elastic band on thrift store underpants are tighter than that turkey gobbler. The girl’s junk would make a better shammy than a sex toy.

$500,000? In the immortal words of Gerrit Graham, “That’s too fuckin high!” [Read more]

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The 10th installment and the start of a new season in my sensational voicemail series.

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[Read more]

The number one way to get whatever you want out of a woman is to withhold attention.

Top Three Ways to Get What You Want From a Woman

3. Be Rich or Famous
2. Insult Her
1. Withhold Attention

Is she lipping off at the mouth? Withhold attention.
Is she a great big fat person? Withhold some attention.
Is she not putting out? Withhold that fucking attention!

Today, I have proof of the above other than just the barometer of my thermometer.

To those of you who are unlearned in the school of meteorology, a barometer is a device used to measure a change in pressure of the local atmosphere. This change is commonly used to detect impending rain. Here I have used it to indicate the “wetness” of my penis, a very clever joke and possibly a new all time great in the lexicon of sex euphemisms.

And I’ve done this before 9 AM. Like I’ve always said, “Men do more world changing before 9 AM than women do in their whole worthless lives.” I just proved it.

Women are four times more likely to give out personal information in exchange for candy. Throw “free candy” on the list. [Read more]

A few months ago, I lived a life-long dream when I was interviewed by Marcus of mega64.com. Here is that interview.

From personal experience, I can say that Marcus’ mustache is not only bigger than Dr. Phil’s, but it also doesn’t have clumps of make-up caked around the sides. Unless you’re KISS or The Ultimate Warrior, make-up is a loss of Man Points.

For those of you wondering why I would agree to such an interview, please consult Marcus’ expose on women in the video game industry below. Women in the video game industry are like women at a bachelor party. They’re only there because of their tits.

For all you stupid cunts who email me, consult the above sentence for a “grammar trifecta fuck you” and a guide on the proper use of they’re, there, and their.